Don't take the Bible literally

[iago]

I really like these Bible verses

By Zach Wingerter
Published: Wednesday, April 20, 2005

While watching an episode of Penn & Teller's "Bullshit" on Bible fallacies recently, I was driven to look up some of the verses they found in the Bible. I very much doubted that the verses presented in the show were actually in the Bible, but I found that they - along with numerous other absurd rules and situations - were actually in the holy book.

All the following verses are from the same series of binded pages which is used as the background for almost every argument against homosexuality. Keep that in mind as you read the rest of this column.

Exodus 35:2 says "For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it must be put to death."

I suppose this means I should die because I work on Monday's newspaper all day long on Sunday. I would really like to see this rule enforced, in fact. With the hypocrisy that Catholicism has created, I'm sure they'd create some rule trumping Exodus 35:2 as soon as they realized they couldn't receive medical attention or police assistance on Sundays. What sweet irony it would be to see a church burning down on a Sunday - if only the firefighters would be working on the Sabbath instead of fearing death, it might be saved.

Genesis 38:8-10 says "Then Judah said to Onan, "Lie with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother." But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the LORD's sight; so he put him to death also."

So wait. The "LORD" killed - KILLED - this guy because he refused to sleep with and impregnate his brother's wife? Seriously? Are you kidding me?

1 Corinthians 11:14 says "Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him." I'm pretty sure this is the most hypocritical rule in history. Jesus had long hair.

Speaking of hypocrisy, 1 Samuel 17:50 and 17:51 contradict each other. In verse 50, it says David killed Goliath without a sword; in the very next verse it says he killed him with the Philistine's sword.

1 Samuel 17:50 says "So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and killed him." Verse 51 says "David ran and stood over him. He took hold of the Philistine's sword and drew it from the scabbard. After he killed him, he cut off his head with the sword."

Before you try to refute this, ask yourself if my inevitable response of "so he killed him twice?" will really be answered.

Leviticus 15:19 says "When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening."

As Penn & Teller put it, try asking the female traffic court judge if she's on her period before approaching the bench. See how far that gets you.

2 Thessalonians 3:10 says "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." Roughly translated, that means homeless people should die. God must be a Republican.

1 Timothy 3:11 says "A woman should learn in quietness and full submission."

It should be noted that 1 Timothy was written by the apostle Paul. I've seen a flood of letters to the editor come in after some of the things Andrew Sickinger has written in the past year, and some of them have been backed by the Bible. If Paul were to write "a woman should learn in quietness and full submission" in the Western Courier, the letters would come flying in - but this was printed in the Bible, the "word of God."

1 Timothy, chapter 3 goes on to say that women should not be allowed to teach. In that case, my mom would not have a job, therefore she would not be allowed to EAT, therefore she would have died and I wouldn't be here.

Yeah. Homosexuality is a sin and all gays are going to Hell. It's right there in the Bible, next to all the above completely sane, un-hateful things.

It should be said that I do consider myself a Christian. I only bring my personal beliefs into this column because it want readers to know I'm writing this as a believer in God rather than an atheist who is against anything and everything. I consider myself a Christian who is against organized religion because I see too many people use it as a social status-builder - in other words, people go to church to be seen there. I look at the Bible as a series of stories open to interpretation, not a textbook for my faith.

If he's your God and you take the Bible literally, you have to abide by all his rules - ALL of them. You can't pick and choose. If you don't have a job and you are not tolerant of homosexuality, I hope to God you starve.

[rabbit]

@iago: see my sig