Revised Blaze edition:
# ACNE: Does your teenager have acne? Masturbation often leads to excessive hormone production, which is the primary cause of acne. Very few teenagers who don't masturbate have acne.
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Hmm well let's think: Acne is caused from sweat, so if your kid plays sports he must also masterbate.
# DEPRESSION: Is your teenager depressed? If a teenager acts sullen, withdrawn or unhappy – the most likely cause is chronic masturbation.
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Maybe I wouldn't be so depressed if you know mom and dad wern't checking my underware after prayer time.
# DESIRE FOR PRIVACY: Does your child lock his or her bedroom door? It is not healthy for a teen to desire privacy. Chances are he or she is in there masturbating.
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I lock my bedroom door when I am on the phone for business calls. Must mean I masterbate while I talk to every client.
# "ROCK" MUSIC: Does your child listen to "Rock And Roll" music? If a teenager has rebelled against God far enough to listen to the Devil's music, then he or she has almost certainly rebelled enough to try masturbation.
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Rock Music of course is the devil because it is enjoyable to listen to. And by this article we can tell that anything enjoyable has to be the devil.
# BOY JUICES: Are there semen stains on your son's bed sheets or underwear? There's only one way they could have been deposited there. So line up all of your sons at least twice a day for a family prayer meeting and underwear check!
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It's not my fault the neighbours daughter sexually assaults me.
# IDEALISM: Does your teenager have liberal or otherwise idealistic political opinions? The weakness of mind brought on by self-abuse often leads to left-wing sympathies.
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Wouldn't want the child to have a political opinion, you know that would cause bush some serious trouble if a 13-19 year old teen stuck up too him. Wait a minute doesn't bush have political opinions? Must mean he masterbated when he was a teen. Bush is now the devil.
# FADDISM: Does your child wear fashionable clothing or hairstyles? If your child can't resist the peer pressure to look a certain way, he or she probably can't resist the peer pressure to masturbate, either.
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I don't know about you but when I meet up with my friends we don't all say let's run into the woods and masterbate. Hell, I never knew it was a crime to look good. Wait, don't President Bush and Vice President Dick Chaney both were custom made $600 suits. I guess you get a custom made suit to look bad in then.
# EVIDENCE: Have you caught your child masturbating? If you walk into your son's bedroom without knocking and he's in there with his pants down stroking his erect penis, he's probably masturbating.
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First of all maybe I had an itch and a good stroke got it away. Maybe President Bush has never herd of Hormones. A teenager can get an errect penis at any time. But honestly wtf what would you say? "Hey Johnny, stop masterbating! President Bush says its bad. Ok, now lets go to church and let the Father do your bumhole and take away your sins.
