My friend typed up this e-mail when he was bored. He's funny when he's bored.
I have been thinking, philosiphizing, if you will: I believe that begging
in itself is a very difficult and rewarding profession. I had a dream as a
child, that one day, beggars could join eachother in a profession recognized
and respected by all. My great grand father begged, not because he couldn't
get a job, but because he chose to. He wanted to meet new people, and take
the "scenic routes" through alleyways that not many get the chance to see.
One day another beggar killed him over a chicken breast. The chicken breast
turned out to be a rubber chicken. It dawned upon my colleagues and I that
beggars should be united, and share their wealth. So I have established the
"Boeschist School of Begging" (Trademark Boesch 2005).
We here at the "Boeschist School of Begging" take our work very seriously.
We also give back to the community. The more money you contribute, the more
homeless people "graduate" from the school and move on to bigger things
(like mugging, but that's a different academy). Less homeless on your
beautiful streets! Isn't it great, anybody (even you!) can contribute to
our little beggar's education.
Of course if you have an unwanted child or foreign persons,which we will
hereafter refer to as, "Habitatually Challenged Individual(s)" (Copyright
Boesch 2005), you can submit their application (since they suck at writing)
to me personally and my board will converse and get back to you and your
homeless friend ASAP. Your "friend" will recieve a formal training program
performed by a veteran homeless person and trash can and dumpster benefits
for a week.
We really try to reach out as well, not only asking (or stealing, as we
practice in the second semester) from money from the middle-to-wealthy
class, but from children, elders, and the mentally handicapped (we offer an
advanced course on how to trick a "retard" into giving up money). This is
because we at the "Boeschist School of Begging" to not beleive in
segregation, equality is key.
If you would care to see the "campus", visit any popular street, store,
dumpster, or public restroom and I am sure that you and your "friend" will
be pleased. Very colorful areas available exclusively for the homeless.
Want a territory already claimed by a Habitatually Challenged Individual"?
No problem, we offer "homeless auditions" (Trademark Boesch 2005). Whoever
can work the hardest, whether this be showing more leg (without resorting to
prostitution, that is also a different academy), look the cutest, or simply
creativeness, ends up with a better position.
Transportation a problem? No problem! We at the "Boeschist School of
Begging" know that most "Habitatually Challenged People" can not afford
means of transportation, which is why we personally seek out locations in
which you will feel right at home, or lack of home. Ha ha ha. This is but
a small sample of the humor we at the "Boeschist School of Begging" provide.
We do not want to hammer education into people (or else they would be
smart enough to get a job, dumbasses) but to encourage morals, if one must
ask for money, ask with a please, if one must resort to violence, do so with
a smile followed by an apology.
I feel that I have covered the basics of the "Boeschist School of
Begging". If you have any further questions, feel free to email me at
"<natesemail>@hotmail.com" or call my various lines, <Nate's Mom's Phone Number> and
<Nate's Dad's Phone Number>. We look forward to hearing from you soon! I have also
included a few images of our staff, Oscar, Bunty, Jim, Fohka and Pirate,
those who will be coaching the "Habitatually Challenged Individual".
Remember, "If Begging were easy, everyone would do it!"
Sincerely,
Nathaniel David Boesch (Senior Begging Correspondant
of the Habitually Challenged)
Included images -- http://sidoh.dark-wire.net/Files/Images/begger2.jpghttp://sidoh.dark-wire.net/Files/Images/bumsatworst.jpghttp://sidoh.dark-wire.net/Files/Images/ninjas.jpghttp://sidoh.dark-wire.net/Files/Images/truthfullbegger.jpg
