ASB application

[BigAznDaddy]

so here is what i have got so far...
Please give feed back, i need to get into asb sooooo bad I'll do anything for it.


Hello my name is Hagen Ho and I am running for a position in HOK. It has come to my attention that this year many women are in ASB so far and to help keep ASB from being biased, I believe a male should be brought in to Voice the opinion of Valhalla students. I believe I am fit to be a representative for Valhalla’s student body because of my many obstacles I have to face in everyday life. I am an AP student and besides the stress of school, I have many jobs thorough out the week. But with all this extra curricular activities going on I am still able to manage my time and have a well balanced life.  I currently am a Co-manager at a family owned business and through this job I have leaned to manage and help people. I also volunteer at Sharp Grossmont Hospital which helps me to interact with Doctors, Nurses and patients. With my 300 + work hours I believe I have what it takes to be in ASB.

[Sidoh]

so here is what i have got so far...
Please give feed back, i need to get into asb sooooo bad I'll do anything for it.


Hello my name is Hagen Ho and I am running for a position in HOK. It has come to my attention that this year many women are in ASB so far and to help keep ASB from being biased, I believe a male should be brought in to Voice the opinion of Valhalla students. I believe I am fit to be a representative for Valhalla’s student body because of my many obstacles I have to face in everyday life. I am an AP student and besides the stress of school, I have many jobs thorough out the week. But with all this extra curricular activities going on I am still able to manage my time and have a well balanced life.  I currently am a Co-manager at a family owned business and through this job I have leaned to manage and help people. I also volunteer at Sharp Grossmont Hospital which helps me to interact with Doctors, Nurses and patients. With my 300 + work hours I believe I have what it takes to be in ASB.

If this is a letter, I'd recommend a more proper structure.  I noticed a few syntactical errors.  First, there should be a comma after the first word ("Hello").  Next, "throughout" and "extracurricular" are both one word each.  And lastly, I think you mean that you're a member of "these" extracurricular activity, not "this" extracurricular activities.

I would recommend leaving the gender part out.  You seem to be accusing them of being bias, which would likely be an instant turn off.

[Towelie]

That makes it sound sexist! YOU ARE SAYING THAT GENDERS HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS THEREFORE YOU ARE SEXIST. Otherwise looks good

[BigAznDaddy]

If this is a letter, I'd recommend a more proper structure.  I noticed a few syntactical errors.  First, there should be a comma after the first word ("Hello").  Next, "throughout" and "extracurricular" are both one word each.  And lastly, I think you mean that you're a member of "these" extracurricular activity, not "this" extracurricular activities.

I would recommend leaving the gender part out.  You seem to be accusing them of being bias, which would likely be an instant turn off.

well everyone in asb so far is a woman so i am making a point to the male population of our school to vote for a male. and I reallly don't want a BARBIE themed Home comming

[Sidoh]

well everyone in asb so far is a woman so i am making a point to the male population of our school to vote for a male. and I reallly don't want a BARBIE themed Home comming

Even still, I would suggest a more tactful approach.  Just because male support (which is presumably around 50% of your population) doesn't mean you'll win.  You don't want to sacrifice your chances with one major group in hopes of gaining the support of another without good reason to believe that you wouldn't have that support in the first place.  I would stay as neutral as you can on something like that.

[BigAznDaddy]

Even still, I would suggest a more tactful approach.  Just because male support (which is presumably around 50% of your population) doesn't mean you'll win.  You don't want to sacrifice your chances with one major group in hopes of gaining the support of another without good reason to believe that you wouldn't have that support in the first place.  I would stay as neutral as you can on something like that.

your right. but i did show some of my female friends and they thought it was "cute"

[leet_muffin]

Cute = fail.