Clan x86
General Forums => Entertainment District => Topic started by: Towelie on May 11, 2009, 07:26:32 am
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Alright... let's try this out. Post funny jokes you hear :P
What's good on a sandwich but not on women?
Crust.
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Alright... let's try this out. Post funny jokes you hear :P
What's good on a sandwich but not on women?
Crust.
You know, there are a LOT of things that are good on a sandwich, that'd I'd rather not have from someones body.
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Girls are like parking spots: handicapped ones are the best. :D
Aaaaaand, what do girls and tests have in common? Usually, curves are a great thing.
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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her MY name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
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(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. " Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?" "None" replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well the answer is four" said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well." said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her MY name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. " Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?" "None" replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well the answer is four" said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well." said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
bahhahaaha.
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Whats the difference between jam and jelly?
I can't jelly my dick down a girl's throat.
(highlight for answer if you can't see it)
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A woman walked into a bar. Everyone laughed.
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LOL @ towelie.
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Two guys walk into a bar, and they both have black eyes. "How did you get your black eye?" asks the first guy. "Well, it was really a Freudian slip. You see, I was walking through the park one day when i saw a woman with three beautiful children. I walked up to her to compliment her children, but when I tried to say, 'You have some lovely kiddies,' I accendentally said,'You have some lovely titties.' So she slapped me, and gave me this black eye. How did you get your black eye?" asked the second man. The first man replied, "Well, I too had a Freudian slip. I was sitting down to breakfast with my wife of thirty-two years, and I tried to say, 'Would you please pass the Cornflakes?' but instead I said, 'You ruined my life you fucking bitch.'"
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"YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at
least one.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat
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How you do stop a black man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
How do you get a black man out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
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How you do stop a black man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
How do you stop two black men from drowning?
Who cares.
How do you get a black man out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you keep black guys from hanging out in your back yard?
Hang them in the front.
you might be a redneck if your bicycle has a gun rack.
you might be a redneck if you have a rag for a gas cap.
you actually know what kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper. (that's just being smart)
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The Economy Is So Bad...
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
HotWheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies
and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally ...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, great idea ... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
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I called my stockbroker today and asked, "What are you buying?"
His answer: "Canned goods and ammunition."
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Just curious: do you get these in e-mails from friends of your parents? :P
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actually, some of them I've seen in emails @ work.....so yeah, old people. still worth 1/2 a chuckle though
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An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was perfect for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits and some pear & peach trees...
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw there was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
Being a gentleman, he made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him "we're not coming out until you leave!!!!".
The old man frowned & told them "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked". Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator".