My College Application Essay [Suggestions]

[trust]

Could you people please keep your bias aside and comment on this for what it is, a college application essay. Don't turn this into a political debate. Keep in mind the school I'm applying to is very conservative/christian/big into "southern values"

----


1.   Tell us about a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

The President of the United States of America, our Commander in Chief – George W. Bush has had an considerable influence on my life. When I was younger I, like most of my peers, couldn't have cared less about politics. I just couldn't understand why the government couldn't just print more money to feed the homeless, or simply lay down the law when it came to international policy. I was for big government and economic intervention even though I didn't realize it. I couldn't fathom why other people didn't have a seemingly endless supply of food in their refrigerator, something I was always blessed enough to have. I didn't understand the stock market, I just knew my grandfather liked watching the boring ticker on MSNBC and that a green arrow meant profit. Essentially, I was simple-minded, uneducated, and my opinions were misinformed.

Then, seemingly overnight, my outlook on life changed. George W. Bush was inaugurated, and shortly thereafter the country was attacked on September 11th, 2001. Although I didn't even know what the World Trade Center was – I knew thousands of Americans had lost their lives and many more were devastated by the deaths of their loved ones. I closely monitored Bush's reaction and how he handled the aftermath. I was impressed, to say the least. Now maybe it's because in my eighth grade year I was enrolled in a Civics class, but I suddenly gained a genuine interest in politics. My best friend and I even had the opportunity to interview former Republican Congressman Ed Schrock in front of the student body. When Congressman Schrock asked what my goal in life was, I simply replied "to be the President."

Many people tell me that my political opinions have been the result of my upbringing – especially by my very conservative grandparents. While this may have had an influence in my core upbringing and values, my opinions are largely just that – mine. During my sophomore year a Young Republicans club was started at my high school. I was ecstatic. I became treasurer of the club and volunteered for every local event that supported President Bush's reelection, along with the congressional and other localized elections. I even had the honor of being interviewed on national radio about how, instead of defacing property, we were apart of a group of young people out supporting our Commander in Chief. My junior year I became president of the club, and I currently hold that title. I've campaigned for Thelma Drake, Michael Ball, Winsome Sears, Nick Rerras, and other Republican candidates. I've also met First Lady Laura Bush, which was honestly one of the best days of my life.

Now your question may be what all of that has to do with how George W. Bush has changed my life. Well, all of those are my reasons – essentially his presidency has affected my cause in life. From my school clubs, weekend activities, to career choice – everything has been influenced by his election. I have a genuine love for politics and a genuine love for George Bush and how he runs our country. In fact, I genuinely love America and the values we represent.

Another reason I have such a great affinity for George W. Bush is his persistence. He has had a presidency full of great conflict and catastrophe. However, even though he has faced great criticism – he is still able to get up in the morning and lead the country the way he feels is best. He has faced many blows during his time in office, but has yet to falter. I look up to him for never throwing in the towel, and always handling these problems with dignity and poise. I think a reason for this is his strong Christian faith and upbringing. I admire him for, during a time of religious conflict, proudly announcing and supporting his faith and not being ashamed or reclusive about what he is. He also brings with him a strong family upbringing and support system. Many Americans could learn from the Bush family, as their love and support for one another is unrivaled. This is evident through the utter love displayed between him and Laura. He truly encompasses all of the qualities of a chivalristic southern gentleman, and young men – even in the north – can learn a lot from that.

Now, unlike most of my peers, I care about politics and how they affect the country. I've never been one to accept something without first understanding it – and this is no different. I understand that, in many cases, homelessness can be avoided through a strong work ethic. I understand that a large government causes intervention which ruins capitalistic flow that is required for a country to prosper. I understand that children in Iraq didn't have food, not because their parents were lazy, but because they had a totalitarian dictator who lined his pockets with it. When I look at the stock market now I have a genuine interest, and it's not just representative of better Christmas presents. It's representative of the economy and the fluctuation which could cripple it. It's representative of how I will support my family.

George Bush is reason for this self enlightenment, change, and essentially maturity. I hope to one day lead America into the future and introduce democracy and freedom to those who have never known it. Bob Olson said "A life without purpose is a life without meaning." I owe George W. Bush for giving my life purpose – and I want to fulfill that purpose as a Hampden-Sydney man.

[TeHFoOoL]

It sounds conjured, like you're talking for the sole purpose of pleasing whoever you're sending it to (which is pretty much the reason for writing it).. but maybe make it a little less discrete? Maybe more professional and less personal?

Maybe I'm really wrong and someone will correct me, but at least it'll get this thread some activity & some input for you.

[rabbit]

"an considerable" should be "a considerable"
"him and Laura" should be "he and Laura"
Don't use conjuctions.
That third paragraph is pretty braggy and really just makes me want to punch a baby.  Your essay shouldn't be "I did this" and "I did that" blah blah blah.  College admittance committees realllllly don't like bragging essays.

[trust]

I noticed the an earlier and fixed it, and I also already fixed the conjuctions.

I don't think "he and Laura" sounds right in this instane. I'll see what my AP Lit teacher says when she finishes editing it.

[Sidoh]

That third paragraph is pretty braggy and really just makes me want to punch a baby.  Your essay shouldn't be "I did this" and "I did that" blah blah blah.  College admittance committees realllllly don't like bragging essays.

Colleges admit you based on your achievements.  I agree that he could be more passive, but how is he supposed to be admitted if he's nothing but modest?

[rabbit]

I didn't say remove it, I just remarked it was pompous.

[dark_drake]

That third paragraph is pretty braggy and really just makes me want to punch a baby.  Your essay shouldn't be "I did this" and "I did that" blah blah blah.  College admittance committees realllllly don't like bragging essays.

Colleges admit you based on your achievements.  I agree that he could be more passive, but how is he supposed to be admitted if he's nothing but modest?

For any college and scholarship I applied for that I had to write an essay for, they also required me to give them basically a resumè with everything I had done.  Just going through listing your achievements in an essay really takes away from it, I think. If they really wanted to know everything you had done, they'd look at the resumè.  The essay is to show people something about you.

[trust]

I think that part really adds emphasis to how the influence of Bush led me to campaign hard for the party. It's not meant to brag, I have plenty more things on my application that do that (tons of extra curriculars, with me holding a position in many of them, community service (blood drive, habitat for humanity), hobbies, etc.) I really don't think that will hurt me much, and it hasn't been mentioned by any of my teachers.

[MyndFyre]

I noticed the an earlier and fixed it, and I also already fixed the conjuctions.

I don't think "he and Laura" sounds right in this instane. I'll see what my AP Lit teacher says when she finishes editing it.

"him and Laura" is correct.  It's an objective pronoun because it's an object of a preposition ("between").  Still, I think the sentence is choppy - almost out of place.

[Sidoh]

I didn't say remove it, I just remarked it was pompous.

Get over it.

For any college and scholarship I applied for that I had to write an essay for, they also required me to give them basically a resumè with everything I had done.  Just going through listing your achievements in an essay really takes away from it, I think. If they really wanted to know everything you had done, they'd look at the resumè.  The essay is to show people something about you.

I'm fully aware of the college application process.

Resumes are not elaborate.  They vaguely list your accomplishments.  An essay presents the chance to add more detail to the achievments you've listed, which definitely are "something about you."

Again: I'm not saying he should leave it as it is.  I'm saying that discussing your achievements in an essay that is meant to present yourself in an impressive manner is a good idea.

[deadly7]

Put a - after George W. Bush in the first sentence.

[dark_drake]

Resumes are not elaborate.  They vaguely list your accomplishments.  An essay presents the chance to add more detail to the achievments you've listed, which definitely are "something about you."

Again: I'm not saying he should leave it as it is.  I'm saying that discussing your achievements in an essay that is meant to present yourself in an impressive manner is a good idea.

What most people find wrong with it is that that paragraph does nothing but list what he did. I don't have a problem with it, but my English teacher last year told us not to do that.

[Sidoh]

Put a - after George W. Bush in the first sentence.

I don't think dashes are appropriate in this case (sue me, I didn't read it) in this situation.  An appositive (, <statement>,) would seem to be the best solution, I think.

What most people find wrong with it is that that paragraph does nothing but list what he did. I don't have a problem with it, but my English teacher last year told us not to do that.

I've already said that he could make it more passive.  I said a few times that I don't think that he shouldn't change it. ;)

[deadly7]

I don't think dashes are appropriate in this case (sue me, I didn't read it) in this situation.  An appositive (, <statement>,) would seem to be the best solution, I think.

He seems to want to use a dash..

The President of the United States of America, our Commander in Chief – George W. Bush has had an considerable influence on my life.

So I figure he should at least use a dash properly.

[Sidoh]

He seems to want to use a dash..

I know, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's the correct useage.  A dash indicates an immediate, incidental interuption.