Leaving Girlfriend

[CrAz3D]

Shit.  She wanted us to have an "open relationship" for a while...she was supposed to get married last July (called it off in June 2 week prior).  Now very hesitant about relationships.  Anyway, lead me on.  Said she loved me.  We talked about marriage (and looked at rings).  I met her mom dad sister aunts uncle and cousins and grandmothers in FL in May...took me home, which I thought was a commitment sign.  But no.

Whored around during the summer.  I tried to play along with the "open relationship" bullshit, but it hurt me too much.  I'm out.  I decided 5 days before class started (class started yesterday) that I'm leaving her.  Further, student loans are currently fucked.

I'm leaving her + trying to find a place later + have no money.  Shit is awesome.  That said, I'm not drinking like I used to, so I haven't drank myself dead.  That's always a plus, right?

I hope my giving her space makes her realize how nice I've always been to her, and that there aint nobody as considerate as I am, but hoping a 26 year old "grows up" seems like a lost cause.  Hell, even her mother told her she aint treating me right.  Time to move on I spose.

[iago]

Open relationships for some some couples, and not for others. They tend to work when the partners trust each other and they've been together a few years, and it's something to enhance their relationship. When it's something presented early on as a way to save a floundering relationship, it's pretty much doomed to jealousy/failure.

That's my dime-store analysis. :)

You don't sound right for each other, and if it's the same girl you used to talk about, you never seemed right for each other. You had some fun, it's time to move on!

[dark_drake]

Ouch... damn dude... need a beer? And open relationship seems really weird to me, especially while you two are supposed to be in a lovey-dovey phase still.

Odd question, but did you ever tell her how you felt about the open relationship? Girls can be terrible at knowing how guys feel about things (and vice versa).

[Falcon]

Hope everything works out for you. I never understood why couples would want an open relationship unless they just want to fuck around, seems like you two want different things.

[while1]

Crazed leaves the crazy woman.

[iago]

Hope everything works out for you. I never understood why couples would want an open relationship unless they just want to fuck around, seems like you two want different things.

No two people meet each other's sexual needs 100%. Sometimes, if something is a deal breaker not to have, going outside the relationship (with permission) can be a good compromise. And, some people get turned on by the idea of their partners with somebody else - a built-in instinct is for us (as humans/primates/mammals) to want a mate more that another person has shown interest in. It's called "cuckolding", and some people are into it (not everybody).

Additionally, some people like being with multiple people at once. They develop a crush or whatever. They don't necessarily want to leave their partner for somebody else, but they can go have some fun, provided they respect the boundaries they've established with their partner.

A lot of people do that, more people than will admit to it - and it succeeds quite frequently. Monogamous relationships work just as well for some people as non-monogamous do for others. It's all about what the individuals in the relationship want.

[CrAz3D]

Relationship started as just sex...developed into love.  She always told me about her anti-commitment feelings because of her recent breakup (was supposed to be married July 20, 2010 - broke it off in June - we started sleeping together in September 2010).  I tried the open relationship shit.  Not for me.  Further, she wasnt always very nice to me.  Guess we're not great for each other.  FML.  Whatever.

[Rule]

A lot of people do that, more people than will admit to it - and it succeeds quite frequently. Monogamous relationships work just as well for some people as non-monogamous do for others. It's all about what the individuals in the relationship want.

I have heard of this too.  I would guess it does not succeed in a majority of attempts, especially in serious long-term relationships. Yes, I assume most people would like to have more than just one sexual partner.  But the temporary pleasure that comes out of having sex with someone different will almost never be worth the insecurity, guilt, and jealousy that will likely follow.  I have seen people in serious relationships do this and pretend to be happy about it, but they are emanating insecurity.

On the other hand it might work if the relationship was never that serious and the two people weren't that into each other in the first place.

It's really just a dopamine high that makes people want it -- very temporary pleasure, like a hit of cocaine.  Is that worth risking a great relationship over? 

[iago]

I have heard of this too.  I would guess it does not succeed in a majority of attempts, especially in serious long-term relationships. Yes, I assume most people would like to have more than just one sexual partner.  But the temporary pleasure that comes out of having sex with someone different will almost never be worth the insecurity, guilt, and jealousy that will likely follow.  I have seen people in serious relationships do this and pretend to be happy about it, but they are emanating insecurity.

On the other hand it might work if the relationship was never that serious and the two people weren't that into each other in the first place.

It's really just a dopamine high that makes people want it -- very temporary pleasure, like a hit of cocaine.  Is that worth risking a great relationship over?

Most monogamous relationships fail in the majority of attempts, as well. :)

People have to limit it to what themselves and their partners legitimately feel comfortable with. People also have to separate love and relationships from sex, IMO. If love and sex are completely linked in somebody's mind, then an open relationship is doomed to fail, and isn't something that person should consider.

I have no experience with this, but I've read a ton of pro-open-relationship advice (I have a ton of respect for Dan Savage who argues for "opening it a crack", so to speak). And it seems logical that in some situations, it could work.

I think in my case, I'd be fine with it - I'm not the jealous or needy type - but I'd want to be included if it was a situation/person that I was also into. :)

[CrAz3D]

aggreed  abnout sex and love adn relationships.  im alot drunk. ipost mofe tomorrow when sober (hopefully sobre)

[iago]

"sobre" is like French sober or something.

[Blaze]

"sobre" is like French sober or something.

Thanks!

[Rule]

I usually like to try to dismiss any societal conditioning I've had and to think about things rationally.  I think so many of us have strong opinions about things, like various social etiquettes, which really don't make sense when we think about them critically instead of just taking them for granted.

So superficially, the idea of separating sex and love, and many sexual partners, appeals to me.  After all, I reason, "sex is just a physical act, and love is...."  And then the problems start.  What is romantic love?  It is possible to achieve without sex, but sex is definitely something that can lead to it.  If you have sex with someone enough times it will be hard for you not to develop romantic feelings.  It seems that love is induced through neurochemical reactions which are strongly influenced by sex.

This leads to another interesting question.  Is it okay to have polyamorous relationships?  In principle I think this would be fun sexually, and otherwise quite interesting, because you'd simultaneously be experiencing being with different people who will have different personalities, opinions, interests, things to talk about, etc.  Of course, it only seems fair that if you should have five romantic partners, that each of them should also be able to have five romantic partners.  Why should you be the centre of attention?  And you may start to favour one or two of the partners. This is when jealousy issues, etc., come into play.  Just being human, it's not practically workable.

That's what I'd also say about having sex with other people while in a serious relationship.  In principle, it sounds nice.  But just being human, it's not practically workable, except in a few very unusual cases.

[iago]

I'm not against polyamory, necessarily, but I could see it being super difficult to maintain.

From what I've read, it seems that polyamorous folks where things are working have some sort of a group dynamic, where it's not just a->b, c, d and b->e, f, g - rather, it's a<->b<->c<->d, and they're all involved with each other in some crazy way.

I don't really "get" it, but I'm in favour of people being able to do what they want to do.

Relationships with a bit of openness and understanding aren't at all the same as polyamorous relationships, though.

[Rule]

I don't think of it as a little openness and understanding.  It's a huge deal.  It's 'openness' about what people arguably see as one of the biggest aspects of a relationship.  It's enough openness to easily destroy a relationship.  Yes, in principle it's nice to separate sex, love, and rationalize things, but it often just doesn't work.  I also do not think monogamous relationships lack openness or understanding. 

In the polyamorous setting, I think a<->b<->c could lead to a lot of jealousy, because it would be hard for the strength of those arrows to all be the same.  It's the kind of thing I think would be fun in the short term but would be really stressful in a long term relationship, where I would want to avoid being judged or trying battle for affection, etc.

I agree that people should be allowed to do what they want though.  ... Well, as far as consensual personal relationships go :P.